I never wanted to live my life in breathless anticipation. A hanger-on, pacing by the phone – waiting for a call. Checking messages every few minutes – just in case I missed one. I’m too realistic for that. That’s just infatuation I tell myself, The movies want me to believe love is that way but it’s just an elaborate farce. Isn’t it?

So why do I watch romantic movies and get that little clutch in the pit of my stomach, sigh, and say I WANT that!

I don’t think I have a type. I’m not even looking for anybody to “complete me” but I want someone to understand me. I don’t even expect someone to think I’m beautiful. So when I meet someone reasonably nice, reasonably intelligent, and reasonably interested in me. Why can’t I be reasonably interested back?

Problem is I’m not reasonably interested back. There’s nothing WRONG with him – just nothing that makes me feel effervescent, giddy with anticipation, however else you want to explain it. He’s insured through our office. He is the brother-in-law of a close friend. Every time he comes in he stays and chats for an hour or two. We have decent conversations – but his laugh is a little kooky. Or is it kooky because subconsciously I’m looking for a reason not to like him?

I just can’t do it – and the ONLY reason I can’t is that feeling. That KAPOW! feeling. Am I wrong to want that? Not even physically really – but if I take that step into marriage I want to at least start out with the can’t-wait-to-talk-with-you-I-like-you-so-much feeling.

Simply – I want someone to love me - which I want to love back.