I’m being stalked by babies. My sister-in-law is pregnant and though I am thrilled at the prospect of another niece or nephew there is another feeling. There lurking, underneath the surface. But I haven’t allowed myself to name it yet.

A close friend today told me she is expecting. The baby was a **SURPRISE** but they’re happy about it. She’s due in December – hopefully she/he won’t be a holiday baby – always a chance though at that time of year.

People are popping up pregnant all over the place. The surprise-mommy said she thinks it must be the ‘thing to do’ this year. I think if she had thought about that sentence more she would have rephrased it. Yes, yes you were the ‘thing to do’ this year. But I digress…

When my niece Cali was born over a year ago I was so excited – I needed another baby in my life I could cuddle. Here is what I love about my nieces – when I have them with me – they are MINE. I have the final say about who gets held by whom. And they always love me best. In a way it fills this tiny part of me that craves motherhood and all that it entails.

I don’t know that I am a flagrant lover of babies and all things children. However that feeling I refuse to name lurks beneath the surface. So every time I have Summer and Cali over and tuck Summer into her bed and watch Cali fall asleep in my arms I feel contented. The feeling I refuse to name becomes more disjointed instead of almost omnipresent.

So I need these babies in my life to keep me from letting this undefinable feeling overwhelm and then depress me. I’m a better aunt then I’d ever be a mother and I’ll never be a mother so it’s better to feel that way anyhow.