So at the end of an extremely long/short day all I have to offer is I’m still here. However I’m bone weary and feeling stupid that I let so many people in on something so private. I didn’t think Sunday evening would be a high traffic time. (site meter statistics proved)


I’ve run the gambit today from the “I know how you feels” to the “call me any times”. But its crap. Such crap and I’m not going to do it again. Today proved it - it’s exactly why I won’t do it again. I was a burden today, and I won’t do that to people.


I spoke with Chris today, he called around midnight “just to chat”. I was a little suspicious at first but when he completely circumferenced the blog entry I figured it was alright. But then he came around to it. How he heard about this blog entry and wanted to know what was bothering me. What can I say? I hate myself for every world out of my mouth and every inch of my body? You can be sure that would go over well. My life isn’t bad and I have no right to feel the way I do. Idon’t have cancer or any other sort of life threatening disease. If I could give away my life to save someone else it would be worth it. I guess there is a reason why they started a program for organ donation.


Chris said how important I was, for what? There isn’t a thing I can do which couldn’t be accomplished 1,000 times better and with a greater level of efficiency than I can produce. He said I come up in conversation a lot. But lets be real, I talk to Chris maybe once ever 6 months? How could you really be thinking of me or talking about me in conversation? Don’t lie to me!!!!!


Please stop trying to make me believe I have more than a hope and a prayer of living above and beyond this level of mediocrity. The people in my life I love are too busy with work, family, and their own struggles to be burdened with mine. They are a burden, and I am ready and willing to give up, yet I’m still here. So don’t tell me how important I am because it’s a crock. I don’t need any platitudial hugs or pats on the back for the act of breathing. Until I start believing I’m more than a waste of flesh I won’t listen to you.