So there is this peace lily in my office I have been trying to kill for months. Something about the plant bothers me, I tried putting dollhouse sized pink flamingos in the pot to make it feel more festive however I cannot abide the plant. “It must die.” I think to myself . So I let it get dry to the point it’s too weak to support itself so it drapes pathetically over the rim of it’s faux-terracotta pot. It withers defiantly at me all morning until I feel remorseful and stuck it under the bathroom tap and run the water until the soil is totally saturated. An hour later it’ll be completely revived and I can go back to cursing it’s existence.

It made me think how I know people just like that plant. Apparently innocuous but confoundingly irritating. At first I’ll try turning them into something I like better (I love me some pink flamingos) but it never changes the true form just embellishes. So when the futility of the lie becomes evident I’ll write them off completely till I see them struggling with some real/imagined strife. I’ll lose the battle eventually and swoop into help thinking I REALLY can’t let them die. But once they get what they need I realize they are the same brand of selfish and irritating as they were before.

I’ve heard a lot of negatives about my appearance through the years. It’s made me skeptical as to my personal value. I was told once I was wanted and then he took it back without warning and while it doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things - not to mention we would have been horrible together , I’ve always thought that solidified my position on my value. He looked at me with his big brown eyes and begged me to save him and when I tried, then got what he wanted out of me he completely changed.

I went for a facial over my lunch hour today because I was cranky and my pores were clogged. I was listening/singing along to one of my favorite sound tracks on my way back to the office and pull up behind this huge white pick-up truck in traffic. I glance at the truck and see a pair of chocolate brown stupid-boy-eyes staring at me through the side view mirror on the truck. He knew it was me and he was grinning at me through the glass. I pretended not to see him and waited for the traffic light to change. The light felt red for an eon.

How dare he act like I would be happy to see him or he didn’t hurt me at all. Why could he change his mind with such ease. It didn’t take him any time to find someone else and then the idiot lost her too. Somehow he always felt even though he made avowal of his intent to not look for another. I would always get him out of a jam or be there to talk to about his problems. He hasn’t been able to for a while since he was DF’d but the penetrating look he gave me in that stupid rear-view mirror dared me to acknowledge him.

I try not to be a stupid girl. I wish I were more successful. I need to stop watering plants.