So while the rest of you were debating the merits of the string theory and the dimensional planes on which we can exist and interpret. My mind was politely nodding till my hand caught up with the conversation and smacked me across the face with a “snap out of it you are not wired this way!” I’m more like the Wal-Mart radio of intellectual conversationalists: works fine in sort range but don’t try to move in to many directions or you’ll lose the signal. So my mind turned to a subject profoundly un-profound.

I think it might be my body’s sole objective in existence to make whoever I’m with look better by the sheer power of my lack of attractiveness. At least that’s what I thought to myself in a sarcastically quippish way this afternoon. However, the more I thought about it the more it makes sense. How does a person learn what is beautiful and what is not? If there were no unattractive people how would you decide who the attractive ones were? Were it not for people like me attractive would be lame-duck terminology. Yes attractive must have it’s antonym in order for it to be meaningful. I’m a walking antonym - there’s a sort of comfort in that.

What I’ve discovered is when I remark on my appearance in front of friends their first response is to chid or rush to reassure me I am an attractive member of the human race, but that’s what friends do. Lie. Well meaning? Of course but lies, all lies although I’m sure they rationalize them differently in their minds. The problem is that unattractive people exist. *gasp* “oh no she din’t”. Yes, yes I said it there are UGLY people who walk the earth, everyday. They walk, talk, and breathe and live productive and happy lives, but they are not physically attractive.

On my trip to San Diego my travel buddy said she never realized how high maintenance I am. I had never really considered that before. I spend time on my make-up, jewelry, hair, and clothing for what? I’m trying to carve myself into a mold that doesn’t fit. It reminds me of one time I was trying to take out a phillips screw with a flat head driver because it was the only one I had available. I ended up having to pry out the screw with a hammer because I had stripped the screw so badly trying to make something fit which wasn’t designed to work that way.

So I’m thinking of letting myself go..err...well letting myself go more. I’ll stop layering my hair or putting on eyeliner. I can throw out my closet of purses and live the rest of my live in sweat pants and my “My Baby Got Stole By A Bear Holding A Shark” hoodie. Perhaps I can offer myself a little variety by only purchasing formal clothing which comes in unflattering colors for my skin tone. I can punctuate the whole look by throwing my depilatory products away and growing back in my leg hair. And I will never use another acne treatment again. Starin’ in the face of ugly, Rose- Au Natural.

Unfortunately for you “moderately attractive” people who needed an attractiveness modifier in the form of an ugly fat chick standing behind you to be summarily ignored by societal members of both genders. I enjoy wearing make-up and there is no way you will ever get me into anything in the color puce. And one day maybe I will ditch chins #2 & #3. Oh and as a side note I’m a neurotic abolisher of leg hair so that “European” thing ... probably not going to happen in this lifetime.

I may be ugly, but I can enjoy myself in my present state of bleah. Or so I say.