Have you ever looked for a silver lining so long and hard you burn your retinas waiting for the sun to shine again? Maybe life is supposed to be a series of disappointments, but I refuse to accept people telling me this is what life is. But right now my eyes are burning and I have to turn away from the sun again.

Haley isn't going to make it. Her cancer has spread to other areas of her body. Last week the family was told to get as much quality time together as they could so they went to Florida to Disney World and to visit family. When they come back they'll be trying the same rigorous rounds of chemo and radiation but the chance of survival is so low it would be laughable if it weren't so serious. Her last few weeks are going to be torturous, but how do you give up on a life that hasn't been lived yet?

My older niece Summer has some horrible virus right now which is causing her to throw up everything she eats and drinks it's awful. I took care of both she and Cali yesterday and Cali is starting to get it too. Summer was gagging with vomit every half hour or so. But all it made me think of is how Haley is going to be going through this to an even greater degree. Pedialyte and saltines aren’t going to make her better.

I had my first death claim at work this week too. A forty year old policy holder was snow mobileing and crossed the highway and was hit dead center by an SUV. She was killed right on the spot. I KNEW this woman. I chatted it up with her every time she had to come in the office pay a premium. She was witty and interesting, now she's dead? It feels surreal. Her husband came in to change over the policies and talk about what to do next. I called her twenty something daughter to see if there was anything I could do but she wasn't available so I left a message. I've sent a sympathy card but those always seem so worthless to me like "I'm sorry your world is irrevocably altered, have some paper!"

I've lost people I loved before. My grandmother who I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt was my best friend in every way passed away when I was 14. But I think death is different for a child than for an adult. Children are much more adaptable, not to mean they aren’t affected by the loss but it's more manageable in most cases because you’re still developing coping mechanisms. At least I feel like that about myself. Even now, I've had good friends die who were elderly, but the shock was not as poignant because I recognized it was more a release from pain than a tragedy. But these babies dying and the healthy people in the prime of life is more difficult to swallow.

Death is not natural, and anyone who tells you any different is lying to your face. This is not the way things are meant to be. If it were I'd embrace their death, it would be acceptable for me. I'd be like animals that reject their babies and don't think a moment more about it. But I am shaken by the loss, and the foreboding of coming losses. I will NEVER accept this as the way things are supposed to be.