Ahhh, word vomit. It’s my ever present companion. What I wouldn’t give for some sort of antacid to calm the effects. If I didn’t have the propensity to blow things up in chemistry class I could have had a very lucrative career in the pharmaceutical industry.

Which brings me to Saturday... I always leave social situations with the distinct impression the new people I’ve met have no idea who I really am. Days afterward I replay my conversations and develop a significantly noticable red mark in the middle of my forehead from smacking myself while bemoaning “why did you say/do/think that!!”. The wedding I went to on Saturday was no exception.

Here’s what happens... I arrive, join a group of friends and instantly the mouth is moving a mile a minute, face animated, gestures grandiose, but nobody seems to notice the hands gesturing are slightly perspiring, the face holds an earnest desperation, and the mouth is frantically searching for words witty enough to entertain but not bore. I am not an all encompassing extrovert. I am a shy person, but in my own personal adaptation of fight or flight I project my personality into the void of any gaps or lulls in coversation.

I’m aggrevated by these responses in social circumstances. Perhaps it’s the reason I tend to find soft-spoken/quiet people more appealing than others who mirror the traits which pop out of me when I’m surrounded by others. Somehow associating with them makes me feel like it might rub off one day. I’ll stop being the loud one, or the one who’ll talk your ear off, and just be me, not one extreme or the other.

Of course “the grass is always greener” and I know some who would kill for the guts to ask people to dance instead of waiting like a puppy who needs to pee for a guy to walk up and inquire “would you like to dance.”. Or not be afraid to start complicated conversations about nothing with complete strangers. Some of those qualities are mine, but the extreme manic highs I could do without.

I wish people could see more of the rational, kind, and calm me instead of staring in shock and horror at the floor towards the putrid bile that is the aftermath of word vomit. Lord I am sick of leaving behind that kind of trail.