Breaking a habit causes the same mental strain as being physically tortured. It's true, but there are some habits which must be unlearned even if it's painful. I'm slowly breaking the habit of hating myself. But believe me it's easier said than done. When I bought my digital camera, I decided it would be a good time to de-hate myself. Through the wonder of six mega pixel resolution my own disillusionment with my appearance is beginning to fade. I am not ugly like I always thought I am.

Unfortunately I still have my moments. Like this evening. An all-girl going away party for a girl i'd barely met. Half the women there were in some part of the image industry whether hair stylists or estheticians, and to top it off no one was above a size 4 except me. Some I am sure have serious eating problems. All of them complain about the possibility they could gain a pound or two. None of them care that three of them could fit into one of me.

They are all the girls who retouch their makeup in the bathroom. I on the otherhand put it on once for the day and it slowly melts off. They are the ones on the cutting edge of fashion. I wear clothes which have been hanging in my closet for years.

It's in groups like this one where I have very little to say, the anxiety increases and the wallflower section of my personality blends into the beige drywall. As the night progressed however, I realised as i allowed silly pictures to be taken with my belly fat and all. Each of us looked equally ridiculous, no one was pointing fingers at me, like I always thought they did. The best way I can summarize my quasi-ephiphany is to quote "The Breakfast Club"