It's been said that a boisterous personality subconciously means your trying to overcompensate for something you feel you lack. Perhaps I have been overcompensating my life away, but even with the realization I should try a different approach to making friends, and maintaining relationships, I have become what i am.
What is it I am overcompensating for? In the reasonable side of my brain I know this is vanity, but my body makes me awkward and alone sometimes. I've told myself a million different ways that I like myself, even that I am beautiful. Then I hear my oldest brother comment on what I eat or rather what I should eat "because he cares about me." Or the well meaning complements that I "would be striking if she lost weight" or "she is pretty enough even a shallow man could get over her weight". Somehow those words gut me (which should ironically make me lose weight, too bad it's only figurative).
How can I explain what it means to be the stereotypical "fat kid". I was always different, the way I was raised, being involved with my religious beliefs always guranteed that. I was fine with that, proud in fact to be different and take a stand as a little kid in school. It wasn't my religion however which made me a target of hatred. It was the betrayal of my genes.
Is being me ever going to be enough, does my appeal need to have a disclaimer constantly attached to it, reminding me how little my physical value actually is. Don't you think I can see? Can feel better than anyone else the lumpy flesh and the awkward motions of the obese? There is a reason i have no full length mirrors in my house, the top half of me is enough.
A little over a month ago i started with a new "nutritional approach". Lets call it for what it is, a diet. I had reached a point with myself I couldn't handle. I had a work related injury to my back and my weight has hindered somewhat the healing of the injury. If only for my health I needed to finally get to a healthy weight range. I'm currently at the twenty pound mark. To give you an idea of the scope of my problem, i have 160lbs more to lose to be at the highest point of the healthy weight range for my height.
While I continue to succeed with numbers I still feel crushed with failure. I had lost this weight before, 70lbs of it before I let my emotions thwart my effort. So what will make this time different? What makes THIS time when I am going to succeed? When i decided to start on a healthy eating program I knew I would neeed additional help. So I signed up with www.ediets.com they have support in the way of online meetings and prerecorded seminars you can listen to. One that I helped me alot when I first heard it was entitled "Why I Am I Afraid To Be Thin?" I thought it was sort of ridiculous when i read the title. I thought to my self "of course I am not afraid to be thin, bring it on!" but then the speaker gave an excersise to do later. He said twentyfive times write the beginning of the sentence "I am afraid to be thin because..." and complete the sentence with whatever first comes to mind. I did that excersise and I didn't realize this was how i felt...

01. I知 afraid to be thin because I won稚 know who my true friends are
02. I知 afraid to be thin because I will be giving in to everyone elses idea of what the right me is
03. I知 afraid to be thin because I値l never know if someone can love me for who I truely am
04. I知 afraid to be thin because I値l become just like everyone else
05. I知 afraid to be thin because I could never compare to anybody else who is in shape
06. I知 afraid to be thin because I may have a lot of extra skin from certain parts of my body
07. I知 afraid to be thin because I知 afraid to be beautiful
08. I知 afraid to be thin because my relationships with my current friends might change
09. I知 afraid to be thin because guys may look at me as more than a friend
10. I知 afraid to be thin because I can稚 use it as a reason for failure
11. I知 afraid to be thin because I might become like the girls I hate
12. I知 afraid to be thin because I might get attention from the wrong kinds of people
13. I知 afraid to be thin because I can稚 use it as an excuse for failure in a relationship
14. I知 afraid to be thin because I値l always be the girl who lost 200 lbs.
15. I知 afraid to be thin because I might become obsessed with the wrong types of goal setting
16. I知 afraid to be thin because I値l start to compare myself to everyone else
17. I知 afraid to be thin because I値l can稚 handle the attention
18. I知 afraid to be thin because I値l never be thin enough
19. I知 afraid to be thin because I don稚 know if I can eat right the rest of my life
20. I知 afraid to be thin because I don稚 want to be one of those girls who obsesses about a crouton
21. I知 afraid to be thin because I値l start finding other things wrong with myself
22. I知 afraid to be thin because it痴 easier to be the loud one, or the funny one, or the outrageous
23. I知 afraid to be thin because I can稚 eat my pain away
24. I知 afraid to be thin because no one will take me seriously
25. I知 afraid to be thin because I値l never be able to stop believing it痴 only temporary

As much as I know I need to lose this weight for my health, it would be a lie to say I wouldn't like to be beautiful. The sort of beautiful that doesn't require an adendum. If you've never lost a significant amount of weight before, you don't realize your body has been scarred by it. Not only stretch marks but lots of extra skin. Even at twenty pounds I am seeing the loosening of the skin where the fat is reducing. My mother is convinced exercise will tone the skin. What she fails to realize is the muscles will tone, but the skin of a 300lb girl is not like shrink wrap and will not fit a person half her size.
I am aware I cannot give up this time, on becoming a healthier person, i am pre-diabetic and filled with joint pain from the added pressure of the weight bearing down on me. The conclusion i need to religate myself to in order to succeed is I will never be beautiful, just acceptable.